Saboteur is a noun, used to describe a person who engages in sabotage. Most of us are constantly doing this without even realizing it. We tell ourselves we can’t do something, we don’t have the resources. Self sabotage is the greatest downfall of all, it is what holds us back. Saboteur is rooted in fear, which I touched a little bit on last post (check it out). I want to really dig deep into fear though, so take a second and think about the things that you are most afraid of. Write them down, study them. Is it your career? Your Finances? Family? 90% of the things we have fears of never even happen. They are simply “What If’s” occupying important space within our psyche. In order for you to take your power back, it is important to know which form of saboteur you find yourself doing the most. Self Doubt, Indecision, & Comparison to others are the three that most of us find ourselves in, so I will discuss those.

 
Self doubt is something that many of us experience from a young age. It is the mistrust of intuition, the anxiety of failure before we even try. “What if I’m not good enough?” “What if I can’t do it?” “What if xyz?”. “What If’s” fuck us over before we even start. When new goals, dreams, and desires awaken within our beings we are so excited, there is a fire within us, then all of a sudden these whispers of doubt creep into our psyche causing us to question everything, maybe even sabotage it all and change the course of our destiny. We each have paths, but ultimately we have free will. We can change what is meant for us if we are not careful. We can overcome, we will not let self doubt win. When you hear the dangerous whispers of self doubt, welcome it. Say to them “Hello self doubt, you won’t win.”

 

 

Know that no matter what, trying, giving life your best shot is better than giving it all up over thoughts. Know that even if you fail, you tried it, you overcame the self doubt just by getting out there and putting your best foot forward. Failure is apart of the journey to success. Sounds cliche but it’s true. If you fail, know it was done in giving it your all rather than before you started. If you fail, get up, shake the dirt off, and remember to look in the mirror and tell yourself you’re a bad bitch. You will win. Say to yourself “Doubt, I release you with love. I know you mean well, you only want to protect me from the pain of failure, but failure is a lesson that propels me towards my destiny. I am willing to take the risk.”

 
Next, let’s look at Indecision. It’s important to note that indecision is usually not because we’re “weighing all the options, the pro’s and con’s”, rather we are scared out of our fucking minds. Some of us are afraid to fail, others succeed. Some fear the unknown, while some of us just hate the idea of change. We want comfort, when in reality that is an illusion. Change is the only thing certain in life other than death. It’s okay to not want to fail, or not know what success and change will be like. Know that decisions are apart of life though. Ironically, by remaining in Indecision you are indeed making a decision.

 

You’re giving your power to the unknown forces of life risking being dragged through the mud and a good ol’ fashioned ass beating by being unprepared. So we have two options, to remain in a state of decision and wallow away, or take back the keys to our destiny trusting God, life, the Universe, and most importantly your intuition. The intuition never strays us wrong. Adapting meditation and stillness practices in your everyday life will help you to connect with your intuition more and to strengthen your abilities. Know that the choice is always yours. We many not always know what lies ahead, but when fear creeps up, we can say to ourselves “God, Life, Universe, I trust you. I am taking a leap of faith into the unknown waters of life.” So take your keys back and stand in your power! I know you don’t feel ready, neither do I at times. Every time a new opportunity comes about now I jump into it without thinking twice. Even if I’m scared of out my mind. I know that when we feel we aren’t ready is usually when we are the most prepared. It is the greatest paradox of all.

 
Comparison to others and dwelling on the past/our regrets are the last forms of self sabotage to be discussed. They are the most deadly of them all. Each and everyone of us has something about us that makes us…well us. Without it, we would all be the same, life would be boring and dusty asf. I remember in elementary school we all were forced to wear uniforms. I say forced because although it was more of “A requirement” it felt forced to me, I hated it so much. So I would wear mismatched socks, bright colored jackets and hair accessories, whatever I could get my hands onto stand out. My sense of individuality has always been my driving force in life. Know that there are always people watching you, being inspired by you and your creativity and uniqueness. Comparing yourself to others is so dangerous because we often forget that each of us are on a completely different timeline.

 

 

You cannot compare your chapter 2 to someone else’s chapter 24. We’ve all done it though. I know for myself, lately it has been in regards to my creative life. I stopped dancing, writing, and taking pictures for a while as I spoke about before. When I was stepping back into my creativity last year I went through all of the comparisons and wondering where I would be as an artist if I hadn’t stopped. Now I think about all the things I did between that period of time and how it actually has benefited me as an artist and as a human being. You see, we all have divine paths to walk out. Everything in our life is laid out with reason and as we continue to walk towards our destiny this becomes more apparent. The good, bad, and ugly are all with purpose. There is no reason to wish to change events in our lives, even when they have caused us great pain.

 

 

I spoke about my sexual abuse affecting me very deeply all of last year, and even know I am still hesitant to write about it, but I know that I must to continue to heal, and to help others to heal from their pain. There was much pain, regret, and sadness associated with that day for me, and there still is. I remember it all so clearly. When my mother came to pick me up after it happened she could tell something was terribly wrong with me. I remember her asking me “Did something happen to you? What’s wrong?” I had lied and told her that nothing was wrong even though the deepest parts of my being wanted to burst into tears and tell her everything. I didn’t know how to explain it, and so even after she asked several more times before leaving that family members house, I just said “nothing.” It would be many, many years before the trauma came up again and I finally decided to share with my mom what happened. I held deep regrets and wished I could change everything. I know now that it all happened with reasoning.

 
Everything in my life would be completely different if I would have told my mother what happened that day. And the relationship I had with the person whose house it happened at would have ended then, rather than when they chose my abuser over me after the truth being revealed many years later. So yes, there is much hurt and but I know that destiny has its way of playing things out. We cannot control the free-will of others but we can take our pain and make some good out of it. We each have a unique story to tell and a unique role to play in this game called life. Only now do I realize that my life has played out and is playing out exactly as it should, and so is yours.

 

 

There is no need to wish for changing of the past, or a need to compare our journey to that of others. Know that you are the person you are today because of every event, every moment of pain, and every moment of success and happiness. If any small detail was changed, we would not be who we see when we look into that mirror everyday. So when feelings of self comparison, of a desire to change past events come about, simply say to yourself “My journey is divinely guided. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. There is nobody like me” Look at all the things you have accomplished and overcome. What a job well done!

 

So whether your obstacle is self doubt, indecision, comparison to others, or a wish to change the past, know that it is a subconscious form of self protection. We want to prevent suffering in our lives, to be the best that we can. However, the only way to do this is to overcome your saboteur and open yourself to the possibilities of life. So grab the bull by the horns, I think that’s how the saying goes. YOU ARE CAPABLE! YOU ARE GOING TO SUCCEED! The things you fear now, that you doubt within yourself now will be the very things that propel you towards your destiny. If you are willing to take your keys and fight the fight, you will win. I believe in you.

 

With Love,

 

Tai.